Gifts to yourself

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I have bipolar disorder. Most of the time with medication, sleep, diet, therapy I can keep pretty balanced. I work on myself a lot. I am constantly in my own head in one way or another. Trying to make things better for the next go around when maybe I won’t be able to do that for myself. Sometimes I go a year or two without having any episodic behavior and sometimes it’s rapid fire changes that last for a month or two.

Usually in those moments I am too in my own head to see outside or around it to see how I am truly behaving or how I am truly thinking. I lose myself momentarily in an uproar of emotions and thoughts. It really doesn’t matter if I swing manic or depressive for me to feel that way. Either way. It becomes too much. I sort of just shut down.

But when I come out of those trying times of emotional uproar I feel… refreshed. New. Ready to tackle anything life can throw at me. I feel strong. Because I have proven to myself that I have yet again defeated my own mind at it’s own sick and twisted game. I feel ready to try new things and ready to expand myself. I feel as if bipolar disorder in it’s own way has been so beneficial for my personal growth. I am thankful I have that perspective on my illness. And that I can have that perspective on my illness.

Not realizing you’re in an episode, having an episode, but then realizing you’re having an episode is kind of what part of my life is like sometimes. And once I realize what is happening I have a couple of things I do to bring me back to reality. I start working on my mindfulness and living “in the moment” I look at the reality around me and see if my perspective on it has been distorted or not. I then reflect on myself and what has lead me to that point. What triggered this? Why am I acting this way? What can I do to move forward? I make a plan. I start finding ways to enact that plan.

So that’s where I am now. Enacting my plan. One part of my plan is to work on empowering myself so I can empower others and in part of that empowerment is showing myself love when I need and deserve it and not feeling ashamed in that. I truly felt I deserved a lovely bouquet of flowers so I went out and bought the prettiest one I could find. ┬áNow onto the rest of the plan.

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